Is my pattern of choosing distant partners normal?

Yes — repeatedly choosing distant partners is a common pattern, and it doesn’t mean there’s something immutable about you. Often this pattern reflects repeated ways of testing closeness, avoiding anticipated hurt, or being drawn to people who are hard to build with.

Unavailable Partner Pattern — signs worth noticing

You might be drawn to partners who are emotionally or practically hard to connect with: inconsistent replies, busy schedules, or someone who keeps options open. Look for pattern-level signals rather than single incidents — for example, frequent excitement at the start followed by frustration when real intimacy is needed. This matches the assessment’s “Unavailable Partner Pattern” dimension and can help you notice whether attraction often lands on the same type of person.

Testing the Relationship & Pre-Emptive Exit — what may be contributing

Some people create situations that test whether the other person will show care (canceling plans, provoking mild conflicts) or leave before they can be rejected. If you recognise creating tests or a habit of leaving when things get closer, those behaviours map to the assessment dimensions “Testing the Relationship” and “Pre-Emptive Exit.” These patterns can sometimes suggest a strategy for protecting yourself from expected disappointment, even when you want closeness.

Regret Cycle & Distrust of Positive Moments — how these patterns can differ

Another common feature is a cycle of distance followed by regret: stepping back or provoking tension, then feeling remorse once the immediate pressure eases. Paired with difficulty trusting good moments — expecting a hidden problem — this can make relationships feel unstable despite genuine care. The assessment dimensions “Regret Cycle” and “Distrust of Positive Moments” help distinguish whether this flip between pushing away and longing for closeness is frequent for you.

Questions to consider

• Do you notice similar reasons you’re attracted to people across relationships?
• When closeness grows, do you test it, withdraw, or consider leaving?
• After pulling away, are you often surprised by how much you regret it?

Reflecting on these patterns can clarify whether this is an occasional choice or a repeated self-sabotage pattern worth exploring further. If you’re curious about which of these tendencies most fits your experience, the assessment can help you see which specific patterns show up most strongly.

Explore more in Relationships.

See how this pattern applies to you

Relationship self-sabotage can involve testing, withdrawing, provoking conflict, choosing unavailable partners or ending things when closeness becomes important.

Take the Why Do I Self-Sabotage Relationships? assessment